More Relationship Reflections

A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor,
but a man of understanding holds his tongue.
~Proverbs 11: 12

Derision is a strong word. I would expect that any criticism given out of love or to encourage growth is outside the realms of this directive. Learning how long to hold your tongue is an art. There are people close to me that believe the best help you can give a person is a direct conversation in which shortcomings are discussed. Where exactly does that fit in with this idea? I'm not sure I know.

A gossip betrays a confidence,
but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
~Proverbs 11: 13

Secrets are a scary thing. I'm trying to stay away from them, but it seems they are inevitable at times. Is it fair to say that secrets point to unhealthy relationships? Any time I am involved in secrets, the very fact there is a secret prompts questions of trust in those from whom the secret is kept.

Relationship Reflections from Proverbs

The LORD does not let the righteous go hungry
but he thwarts the craving of the wicked.
~Proverbs 10: 3

Makes me wonder how much of this is set to happen immediately, and how much of this is a statement aligning actions with final judgment. From the passage, it seems the wicked would be hard pressed to have much in the way of food, but we know this isn't always true. However, I have seen illustrated time and again a seemingly built-in willingness to give help to those who are attempting to live righteous lives.

The wise in heart accept commands,
but a chattering fool comes to ruin.
~Proverbs 10: 8

Wisdom really is about shutting up long enough to listen. As I age, I've realized that many of the people I overlooked because of their ability to sit tight and listen are really some of the most effective people I've met. Relationship is impossible without a willingness to listen. I always now a conversation has failed in good relationship when only one party has had the chance to listen.

The man of integrity walks securely,
but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.
~Proverbs 10: 9

Living without secrets is key to eliminating anxiety. Christ spent a good deal of time encouraging us to bring to light all aspects of our life. The choice of salvation infers that we are giving up self-management. When we try and retain control of sections of our lives, we take away the peace that is one of God's greatest gifts. A confident walk doesn't mean the absence of issues and trouble, but a confident walk can mean the presence of a Savior.

Hatred stirs up dissension,
but love covers over all wrongs.
~Proverbs 10: 12

In an often-quoted passage, we occasionally minimize the impact of the words. Christ's love in my heart is absolutely freeing if I will allow it. The Word doesn't say some wrongs, or most wrongs, it says all wrongs. What would our lives look like if we confidently lived out an understanding that Christ's blood in my life was enough to cover all the bad situations I will ever experience? Remembering that God's love is just, but all-powerful, and gifted to me through His Son is an amazing confidence builder much as verse nine above illustrates.

A Life of Escapes

In reading an article this morning from FamilyLife.com ( a resource I highly recommend), I was prompted to consider all the distractions we willingly submit ourselves to. Whether time is absorbed by TV, extra work, or movies, there seems to be a fine balance between a happy hobby and a small but significant escape from reality.

I have a great friend who guards his alone time quite effectively, but he happens to be a reflective sort, and judging by his relationships, alone time doesn't mean reality-detachment time for him. I'm tempted to think that when we give our time away to distractions, what we're really saying is "I give up." The possibility of trying to better my relationships at this moment is just too overwhelming. Any time I knowingly or unknowingly present this attitude, am I highlighting an important area of my life that I am not submitting to the Lord?

TVs, the internet, books, movies, and scrap booking can all be great things if they are used responsibly-I really don't think I've let myself see all these privileges as needing responsible use. Human nature is readily taking things for granted, and I'm there much of the time. Lord that I would lead my family in seeing the world as priorities, submitting difficult areas to you, and using my blessings as if I understood they are all gifts from you.

Ancillary Damage

As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus.
~Luke 23: 26

Any person in the process of really deepening their walk with the Lord eventually hits this roadblock in the process. I've experienced it somewhat in the past, but the horizon looks flush with emotional turmoil.

Oswald Chambers has the following to say about this dilemma:

"If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything— it is a delight. But to those who do not love Him, our obedience does cost a great deal. If we obey God, it will mean that other people’s plans are upset."


Ouch, I hurt just thinking about the effect that a major redirection would have on our family and friends. Especially family... But then there is work....

I'm finding that this is another way that we illustrate our faith in stepping out. I think that what ultimately bothers me is the idea that I won't be around in person to pick up every single piece-What kind of a God do I think I'm serving? I need to let go and realize that human plans dropped in lieu of God's work are commonplace and inevitable.

Am I ready to lead us there?

Wants and Needs

You can meet your wife's wants yet still miss her needs. That's what the deal is. Your wife doesn't need you to work twelve hours a day. More likely, it's you who "needs" to work that much. You're out there trying to find your identity and establish your worth and value. You're out there for you more than for her. What she needs is for you "to live with her in an understanding way ... since she is a woman"! A little feminine understanding can go a long way in meeting your wife's real needs.

~Robert Lewis and William Hendricks

What a challenge to get this part figured out. It is so easy to rationalize many of the decisions we make as being necessary for our family. How truly have we compared our rationale against the Bible and against what we, as leaders of our family, know should be the reasons for our actions. I know that I, along with my wife, have adopted societies reasons for much of what we do. Working hard to pay of debt is good to a point, working just as hard so we can have a bigger house and more things is a little harder to rationalize biblically.

Why is it so hard to find this balance in the world we live in? I swear I will make dramatic swings in thought and word almost daily concerning the direction and reasoning behind my actions and the actions of my family. Lord that I would be consistent, confident, and courageous in the message I show and send to the world and my family.

Being a Man Worth Loving

I had the good fortune to read several great articles lately. The articles are part of the resources offered at FamilyLife.org. Like most men (I would venture to say), I struggle with presenting the same passion and characteristics of direction for my family as I do in helping lead change at work.

As I've given though to this phenomenon, I don't think it is happening for lack of care. More than anything, I think I suffer from lack of clearly defined metrics (to put a business box around it). Most of us know that a good plan with well-conceived and realistic milestones is a wonderful way to help drive action steps and success for a project. For men (me at least), I struggle to plan this same way for my family and especially for my wife and our relationship.

Understanding the problem isn't difficult-our marriage is good-our marriage needs to be great. Unfortunately, I'm having some difficulty visualizing a work-plan. As a man, I realize that this difficulty stems from my lack of confidence in the tools I'm working with. While I continually try to be a better man of God, I know that I've not tried hard enough to define what a Godly husband and father looks like. If I would give half the time to reading and studying this that I give to business novels, I might have an easier time of it.

I read two great things today that should help me define this:

1. "The single thing that marks every aspect of Jesus' life was a driving sense of cause. "THIS is who I am, THIS is what I do, THIS is where I am going ... and why don't you come, too? He was a man on a mission. That's what swept strong men along in His wake. That's what persuaded them in a heartbeat to drop their fishing nets or hammers or ledgers or whatever else they were doing and follow Him. Suddenly whatever had preoccupied them seemed pallid and tame and slightly irrelevant. The Man who called them was a burning Reality. A Great Light. How could they help but saddle up and trail along?"
2. "McDonald's success as the world leader of fast-food franchises came about because the company became a careful student of the customer. In the same way, one key to thriving in your relationship is to understand your wife. This is not to suggest that you should try to manipulate her. Rather, as you invest time and effort to understand your wife, you'll discover how to define romance using your wife's dictionary. I have to admit that I defined romance for years using my distinctly male dictionary. We men spell romance: sex. However, I've learned when I want to communicate romance with Barbara, I'd better understand how she defines the word! As a husband does this, he understands the three nonnegotiables for a romantically satisfying relationship: security, acceptance, and an emotional connection."

The first quote is adapted from the book Tender Warrior by Stu Weber, the second is from an article by Dennis Rainey entitled "The Irresistible Man." I am challenged by both of these excerpts because the issue is very much about leadership. You can't lead those whom you don't understand. To use some Lean philosophy, if we do not understand what creates value for our wives-the ultimate customer-we will spend our time in overproduction waste in some other area.

Once we prompt ourselves to understand these values, it should be much easier to set our eyes on a Christian vision for our family and passionately lead. People, even our wives, will follow a passion that clearly creates value for them.